The other day the mere sight of my daughter brought me to tears. She is so darned cute! It really is amazing how much I love her and how dedicated I am to being the best mother I can be for her. Maybe that’s why all the Mother’s Day ads are also bringing me to tears. Because for the first time in my life, Mother’s Day isn’t breaking my heart.
When I was only 3 months old my mother decided to abandon my father and I. She walked away in the middle of the night with no warning and without giving a reason. She just left. The pain she caused then was only compounded later as she developed a pattern of showing up unexpectedly, re-starting life as a loving mother and wife for several months, before slowly becoming abusive and hurtful and eventually performing another disappearing act. The last interaction I had with my mother was 8 years ago and the things she said to me were so hurtful and disgusting that I won’t even repeat them on my blog.
The history with my mother has made Mother’s Day a serious source of contention for me. Every year I tried to enjoy it by celebrating my pseudo-mom, my loving and wonderful grandmother who has always been there for me, but my love for her never completely overshadowed the pain of abandonment and abuse that I felt. I smiled politely as teachers encouraged me to make drawings and soap dishes for my mom for the holiday and tried to ignore the looks of pity from family and close friends. But each year as the day approached I just felt pain.
This year will be my first un-broken Mother’s Day. Finally, there is something that DOES overshadow that pain. The love I have for my own daughter and the connection I feel to her gives me cause for tears that are filled with love and hope instead of hurt and sadness. I am proud to be her mom and proud of her. I finally know why this holiday is so special and understand the importance of celebrating it! I will continue to show my love for my grandmother, and although the situation with my mother will always be a part of my past, I now have a beautiful and loving present and future that gives me joy that cannot be overshadowed by anything else!